Understanding Anxious
a little perspective from my son's point of view
"I DON'T WANT TO GET STUFFED IN A LOCKER"...."Well now Tommy, I promise I won't stuff you in a locker", was my reply, wondering what caused this spontaneous outburst (which was best comparable to dropping a Mentos into a 2 liter bottle of Diet Coke). "No, when you go to middle school, the 7th and 8th graders stuff the new kids into lockers..."
Nooooow it's all making sense...You can see it coming with Tommy most times, you just can't always tell WHAT is coming...This was what was spoiling his last few weeks of summer, that he somehow could not articulate the fear of starting middle school, for fear of getting bent like a pretzel and stuffed into a locker. Thank you very much generic, lame-o, tweener-angst Disney Channel show! Tommy felt a whole lot better at student orientation, when he saw that their was no way he could fit into the little 1 & 1/2 "x 3" lockers in the halls. His recovery was much quicker than the time when he was 8 and he had a classmate tell him that aliens were going to eat all of his fingertips off. The poor guy was counting his digits every 10 minutes for about 12 months!
Nooooow it's all making sense...You can see it coming with Tommy most times, you just can't always tell WHAT is coming...This was what was spoiling his last few weeks of summer, that he somehow could not articulate the fear of starting middle school, for fear of getting bent like a pretzel and stuffed into a locker. Thank you very much generic, lame-o, tweener-angst Disney Channel show! Tommy felt a whole lot better at student orientation, when he saw that their was no way he could fit into the little 1 & 1/2 "x 3" lockers in the halls. His recovery was much quicker than the time when he was 8 and he had a classmate tell him that aliens were going to eat all of his fingertips off. The poor guy was counting his digits every 10 minutes for about 12 months!
While autism is indeed a spectrum where no two children are the same, one thing that I've noticed from my own personal observations is that anxiety seems to sadly be a VERY common denominator in these children. When you combine a high functioning,intelligent child with autism with their understanding of social skills that they have not yet mastered(our young Thomas is pretty smart), the end result can often be quite frustrating for them. For example, the ability to tell the kid that is imparting aliens to come eat your toes to take a hike doesn't jibe with the concept of trust others and make friends. Those Disney shows are a lot of fun and I enjoy them so much, they wouldn't dare exaggerate the truth, right? The pursuance or confirmation of the truth can be monumental and sometimes impossible for a child with autism, as can advocating for ones basic human dignity.
I really got to thinking about my sons anxieties and how hard they must be for him when I was preparing for my weigh in day. It couldn't come fast enough and the thoughts going through my head were constant. Will I reach my weight goal? Will I reach my goal in donations? Will I look like a jackass? (Please keep that one to yourself!) I guess that I haven't challenged myself like this in quite a while and quite frankly, I was getting anxious myself! It is easy for me though, I have my wife to go to and express my feelings and get the boost I need to get over myself. I have years of coping mechanisms to turn to (go for a walk, pray, read, etc. ) that can help me regulate my tensions. Children like my son have their fears of the unknown amplified by the fact that they cannot adequately express what it is that is troubling them. They sometimes understand what is tormenting them (sometimes not). Bottom line though is, they just don't know how to express it to those who can help them.
I really got to thinking about my sons anxieties and how hard they must be for him when I was preparing for my weigh in day. It couldn't come fast enough and the thoughts going through my head were constant. Will I reach my weight goal? Will I reach my goal in donations? Will I look like a jackass? (Please keep that one to yourself!) I guess that I haven't challenged myself like this in quite a while and quite frankly, I was getting anxious myself! It is easy for me though, I have my wife to go to and express my feelings and get the boost I need to get over myself. I have years of coping mechanisms to turn to (go for a walk, pray, read, etc. ) that can help me regulate my tensions. Children like my son have their fears of the unknown amplified by the fact that they cannot adequately express what it is that is troubling them. They sometimes understand what is tormenting them (sometimes not). Bottom line though is, they just don't know how to express it to those who can help them.
My moment of clarity with Tommy's anxiety came about a year ago. We had just gotten our first Ipad and it became a bit of a family obsession...
(yes, me guilty too...)
One morning after getting the crew off on the bus to school (4 grade school, 2 high school and 1 college...not easy) my wife Tara noticed the Ipad was nowhere to be found. I get the call at work asking if I'd seen it.
"The last I'd seen it, it was charging in the living room..."
"Well it's not there..."
..."the sea became angry that day my friend." The accusations were flying in the Lewis home like paper airplanes in a 4th grade classroom monitored by a substitute.
Every scenario was presented and EVERYONE was a suspect...finally after the second night, a very somber Tommy, who had been rather quiet and the only one without an accusation hurled at another, came into our room...
(drop Mento into Coke product)
"I DID IT... I TRIED SNEAKING THE IPAD TO SCHOOL!!!"
"Okay Tommy, where did you put it?"
"I GOT SCARED AND THREW IT OUT THE BUS WINDOW ON THE WAY BACK HOME...I DIDN'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE!!!"
For two days he kept this to himself. For two days he pondered consequences. For two days he made himself suffer, keeping this to himself. He knew he was wrong, he knew he had to answer for it. It wasn't about ducking the inevitable. He tore himself up over his actions for two straight days. He didn't even take it out at school, as he knew it was wrong and he would get in more trouble. As the U2 song goes, he found himself "stuck in a moment and he can't get out of it". Whatever initial anger we might have felt immediately turned to heartache, knowing that he could have told us at any time he wanted, but he just didn't know how.
"Okay Tommy, where did you put it?"
"I GOT SCARED AND THREW IT OUT THE BUS WINDOW ON THE WAY BACK HOME...I DIDN'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE!!!"
For two days he kept this to himself. For two days he pondered consequences. For two days he made himself suffer, keeping this to himself. He knew he was wrong, he knew he had to answer for it. It wasn't about ducking the inevitable. He tore himself up over his actions for two straight days. He didn't even take it out at school, as he knew it was wrong and he would get in more trouble. As the U2 song goes, he found himself "stuck in a moment and he can't get out of it". Whatever initial anger we might have felt immediately turned to heartache, knowing that he could have told us at any time he wanted, but he just didn't know how.
Anyone who knows my wife and I as parents, know we are no softies. Our kids can expect discipline, Tommy included. This was one instance where Tommy got a pass. He had punished himself enough.
So here I am, 3 days into my project with no anxieties. I have been doing well (a bit cranky the first day, all that Halloween candy still staring me in the face!), I've been getting a lot of support and no one has threatened to stuff me in a locker or bite my fingertips off. Best of all, another teachable moment courtesy of our son. My worries are quite small...
So here I am, 3 days into my project with no anxieties. I have been doing well (a bit cranky the first day, all that Halloween candy still staring me in the face!), I've been getting a lot of support and no one has threatened to stuff me in a locker or bite my fingertips off. Best of all, another teachable moment courtesy of our son. My worries are quite small...
...oh, and the Ipad WAS recovered! It landed in a ditch, a neighbor found it and put an ad up in the lost and found section of Craigslist!!!
Please donate @: http://www.crowdrise.com/tomlewis
No comments:
Post a Comment