It's a "Dad Thing", Even We Don't Understand...

My Wife: Can we just pull over and ask someone for directions???
Me: Don't worry, I know where we're going...
My Wife: I know you know where you WANT to go...
Me: What are you trying to say?
My Wife (losing patience): We're lost!!!
Me (Still in that river in Africa...): Naaaahhhhh.....

Rod Serling: What you are hearing is a conversation. One that has transpired throughout the black hole of the highways and back  roads of Americana. It has happened in the past, it will happen tomorrow, it is happening right now. For, wherever there is a husband and wife on a road trip without the aid of a Garmin or Tom Tom, the male ego will undeniably be forever lost, along with his destination and his wife's wits...in...The Twilight Zone...

Okay, so us men are wired differently. I'll admit it (There, I feel so much better just admitting that). Sometimes us guys have "Denial Issues". Unfortunately, they do not always stop once we finally park the car in the driveway from such a journey as mentioned above. Sometimes the denial is in accepting that their child (especially their sons) have special needs. Like the wrong turn that we think we can retrace our way back from without the aid of a map or directions, we tend to think our special needs child will "grow out of it" or that"I can't deal with him/her".

I envy the dad who does not have this problem. I view myself as a "recovering denier", though Tara will tell me that I was not that bad about it. Maybe that is because my denial is not the former type I mention above. I am/was the latter type who "couldn't deal" with Tommy's autism. You see, I am loud, where I need to be soft as he is extremely auditory. I can give the disapproving stare or  the "mean mug" (as my sister calls it) and cross my arms in judgement with the best of them (once a cop...). As sensitive as he is to an angry tone, he is just as sensitive and attune to body language. Combine these two factors with my previously mentioned connoisseurship of sarcasm and I had already benched myself and much of my fatherly duties towards him as having three strikes and out. He seemed to prefer moms touch anyway.  What I had become so dense to notice, was that she would not ask me to take care of any issues with him like she would sometimes do with the other kids to catch a much needed break. This was not because she was overly protective of him, it was because me dealing with him often made things WORSE. He was apprehensive being around me, something my other guys never seemed to be.

I know I am not the only dad to have become this way when it has came to their special needs child. About four and a half years ago, when Tommy first breakthrough with surfing came via the Surfer's Healing session he took part in, I read an article about Surfer's Healing's founder Izzy Paskowitz. I was surprised to learn that much like myself, he ran and hid from the realities of autism and dealing with his son Isaiah. It took a day at the beach and their own major breakthrough surfing for him to have a relationship with his son. Being the man that he is, he turned this moment with Isaiah into an amazing surfing ministry, one that has given so many children on the spectrum, as well as their parents so much hope. As much as Surfer's Healing has done for Tommy and my family, I still had to one problem to deal with...

...Charlie being be me in this case...

Seriously though, I still had this "denial" thing going. Like with my other children, I deeply desired to have a relationship with my son Tommy. But like the wrong turn on the road trip, my thick-headedness would continue to prevent me from adapting to my sons needs to make that relationship happen.

I'd like to say I had an "epiphany" moment like Izzy did with his boy. I will give credit where credit is due and tip my hat to my better half for where Tommy and I are at today. Though I am sure my perception much of the time was that she was badgering me, it was her constant advice to "open the map" and change my direction with our son that helped change me. This past year I've made a more conscious attempt than ever to deal with him in a nature that is friendly to what he is sensitive to. I have had my ups and downs with it, but I can say my attempts have been honest and true.  Then I started to notice something. Tommy seemed to be trusting me more, even seeking me out for help with things. Sure, mom will be the "go-to" gal in our house, but dad didn't seem to be as bad as he was a few months earlier for Tommy! I finally feel like I have a relationship with Tommy. I couldn't be more blessed.

So maybe I can start a support group or something. How does D.A.D.D.A.  (Dads Against Dense Denial of Autism) sound? Just keep telling yourself guys, the denial you swallow might look like crow, but it tastes like chicken! The first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem!

Please donate to Ocean Cure @: http://www.crowdrise.com/tomlewis

***Also, if you'd like to learn more about Izzy Paskowitz, from his well documented "different" upbringing, time as a pro surfer and the simple moment of bonding with his son that turned into the biggest thing in the coastal autism community, do yourself a favor...READ HIS BOOK!***

Scratching The Horizon

It is a great read, you won't be disappointed!