Lessons in Forgiveness...

...From the Spectrum

From a recent conversation with Tommy...

Tommy: Dad...I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier..
Me (Not knowing where this was coming from): Well, I'll always forgive you Tommy, but I'm not sure what you did...
Tommy: I yelled at you for rushing me to get ready for school... I acted like a jerk...
Me (recalling the morning incident that had long since fallen off my radar): Of course I forgive you...

Sure, it fell off my radar. It stayed on his all day though. The one thing about Tommy, is he wants to stay in good favor. Not because he is looking for something, it is just that the thought of you being displeased with him can be, well...painful for him. The moment in question came back pretty quick once he'd mentioned it. Getting ready for school, Tommy was having trouble getting focused. "Captain Sensitive" was trying his best to motivate, but it wasn't the best of mornings and Tommy got a bit snippy with me. I didn't read into it to much. Our kids know to be respectful and Tommy does not get a pass due to his autism, but we also pick and chose our battles. He got over his testiness and the morning proceeded without incident. His demeanor towards me must have crossed a line somewhere in his own conscience and it stuck in his craw all day. My verbal absolution and a good 'guy hug' put him right. His pain was gone. Dad still loves me. All is right in Tommy's world. It got me thinking though, he sure has a better grasp of the healing power of forgiveness than I do. He's got it down better then most people in general.

Thinking about Tommy's desire to heal a mental hurt got me thinking of my own ability (or lack of ability) to ask for forgiveness or to give forgiveness when asked for. Or even harder...to give forgiveness when it is NOT asked for.  It can be a hard world, that is for sure. But how much unnecessary baggage do we cling to through our own lack of charity and inflated pride over who is right and who is wrong? When we perform an act of disrespect or discourtesy to another, we tend to live in the moment. We rationalize our participation in their hurt.

"He needs to get over it".

We dismiss their pain.

"Suck it up"

"Life's tough, get a helmet"

But boy, we sure don't live in the moment when it comes to being the receptor of a wrong. Then we cling to those injustices as if  they were pots of gold.

"Can you believe that guy???"

"Who does she think she is?"

The shoe gets a lot more narrow when it is on our own foot.

To any christian it should be pretty clear on how many times that we offer our forgiveness. This is why I refer to myself as a  "practicing" catholic, as in " I need all the practice I can get". I say this and yet all the opportunities I am given to ask for or to dispense of my forgiveness, I seem to pass on. This is at the very essence of what my faith is...and I'm BLOWING it!

"Would you like to check those bags sir?"

"Nope, I'll hold onto them!"

Funny how an 11 year boy old with autism has a better grasp on the art, the skill...the GIFT of forgiving, then his 48 year old father has. A father who as a police officer dealt with so many different people from a variety of different walks of life. A dad who experienced so many different cultures during his travels while in the Navy. A dad with years of conversing with people of different values and philosophies. All this knowledge and experience, yet still so willing to be completely obstinate when it comes to healing himself through forgiving or asking for forgiveness. Is it the risk of being perceived as weak that holds a person back? A concession of ones conviction? Like the initial act of indiscretion, does it even matter why? Bottom line is, what is being held onto so tightly, what I am clinging to, as so many others cling to...is pain.
How does that make any sense? One thing I KNOW that Tommy has more experience with than I do, is pain. Sights, sounds, the unknown, they can all be sources of torment for this boy. If forgiveness is something he so desires to give or receive, how can holding onto the event triggering this desire, be anything BUT pain?

Well, it is New Years Day. The time to turn the page, make a change, improve ones self or get back on track. Time to forgive and forget...

Thank you son.


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